Beyond Livid Right Now

I wrote this part after the rest all that is in CAPS And now I sit here crying, wondering if I should post this. How does it make me look? Do people even care? Should I post it because I know they don't? Do I post it because other people would? If other people would why can't I? So you know what.... Deep breath... because I don't want to second guess my action to post this I am not going to reread it, so ignore any major errors in spelling or whatnot.

 

I AM SO SICK OF RECALLS AND ONE DAY "THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO DO THIS" AND THE NEXT "DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO KILL YOUR CHILD BY USING THIS" WHETHER IT BE RECALLING A BABY MONITOR BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE DUMB AND PUT THE MONITOR NEXT TO THE CRIB AND THE CHILD STRANGLED THEMSELVES. I AM SORRY YOU LOST YOUR CHILD, AND I AM SORRY IT WAS YOUR FAULT, BUT DON'T BLAME THE COMPANY BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER. OR NOT REALIZING THAT REALLY YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO HELP THE PAIN OF YOUR UNDER 2 YEAR OLD BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING OUT THERE TO EASE THEIR PAIN.

EGGS ARE GOOD FOR YOU. NO THEY CAN KILL YOU.

DON'T EAT THAT DOUGHNUT, YOU KNOW IT IS FULL OF CRAP THAT CAN KILL YOU.

I AM ALSO TIRED OF HOLDING ALL OF THIS IN BECAUSE I AM GOING TO OFFEND SOMEONE OR HURT THEIR FEELINGS. I AM STILL LEAVING OUT STUFF BECAUSE I STILL FEAR ALL THAT WHICH ALSO TICKS ME OFF.

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE CAN SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT TO ME, ABOUT ME, AND ABOUT MY CHILDREN, BUT I CAN'T SAY A THING WITHOUT BEING LABELED AND JUDGED AND PEOPLE STOP LISTENING. 

YES, I TALK TOO MUCH

YES, MY DAUGHTER IS A LITTLE ON THE LOUD SIDE AND SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS. I'M SORRY YOUR CHILD IS A LUMP THAT DOESN'T HAVE FEELINGS AND THEREFORE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU TAKE SOMETHING FROM THEM.

YES, I STOPPED BREASTFEEDING BEFORE 2, BEFORE 1 YOU KNOW WHAT, EVEN BEFORE 6 MONTHS (IN FACT THEY GOT 2 AND 1 MONTH ONLY) 

YES, I FEEL VERY STRONGLY, SO I GET UPSET, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE SOMETHING THAT MOST PEOPLE CAN'T EVEN DREAM OF HAVING AND THAT IS EMPATHY. I HAVE BEEN "BLESSED" WITH THIS GIFT AND EVEN WHEN I CAN USE IT PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO LET ME. 

I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE NOT LETTING ME BE ME. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I HAVE DEPRESSION, WHY I AM SO DEPRESSED? BECAUSE MY ENTIRE LIFE, WELL AT LEAST SINCE THE FIRST GRADE EVERYONE, AND I MEAN EVERYONE HAS BEEN TELLING ME TO GO AGAINST WHO I AM. I CAN'T HELP PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY MIGHT HURT ME. WHICH HAS ACTUALLY STOOD TO BE TRUE A LOT OF THE TIME.

I HAVEN'T WANTED TO PUT ANY OF THIS OUT THERE BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN HIDING BUT TONIGHT, WORRYING ABOUT ALMOST USING SOMETHING THAT 'MIGHT' HAVE HURT JD AND WORRYING THAT I DID USE SOMETHING THAT 'MIGHT' HURT HIM I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

I WANTED TO BE IN BED AN HOUR AN A HALF AGO AND HERE I SIT, ALONE, FREAKING OUT AND SERIOUSLY LOOSING IT.

I ALMOST HURT MY SON, BUT DID I? I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST OUR FREAKIN GOVERNMENT TO USE THEIR AUTHORITY. TOO MANY THINGS ARE BEING RECALLED. WHY DO WE HAVE ALL THIS REGULATIONS IF SO MANY THINGS ARE GOING TO SLIP THROUGH? SO EVEN IF SOMETHING HASN'T BEEN RECALLED, IS IT REALLY SAFE?

I DON'T WANT YOUR CRAP ABOUT HOW I AM WRONG OR WHATEVER, IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO SAY, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. YOU HAVEN'T LISTENED TO ANYTHING YOU HAVE READ. I DON'T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT HOW I AM WRONG, I JUST NEED TO GET THINGS OFF MY CHEST. SO HERE IT IS.

(Also added after)

I live for these people right here:

See those amazing smiles?

and I am doing the best I can with the knowledge I have. Hindsight is 20/20 and also heartbreaking. 

I am trying and no one can fault me for that. and yet they still do... weird. I am a sensitive person and remember that your comments, even if just said in passing and not meant to mean anything, can hurt me. and I don't understand why I have to watch what I say and other people can walk all over me. and if you are thinking something about how I let them... you are right.. you can add YES I AM WEAK to that list above.

I am going to sleep, well bed, hopefully some sleep comes and hopefully I will be able to get out of bed tomorrow. 

I do thank God for my mostly healthy and somewhat happy children. I love my husband. We have a place to live and we put food on the table.

And you know what? as I question posting this I am reminded of my favorite psalm. If David can cry out like this why can't I?

Psalm 86

A prayer of David.

  Hear me, LORD, and answer me,
   for I am poor and needy.
 Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
   save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord,
   for I call to you all day long.
 Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
   for I put my trust in you.

  You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
   abounding in love to all who call to you.
 Hear my prayer, LORD;
   listen to my cry for mercy.
 When I am in distress, I call to you,
   because you answer me.

  Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
   no deeds can compare with yours.
 All the nations you have made
   will come and worship before you, Lord;
   they will bring glory to your name.
 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
   you alone are God.

  Teach me your way, LORD,
   that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
   that I may fear your name.
 I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
   I will glorify your name forever.
 For great is your love toward me;
   you have delivered me from the depths,
   from the realm of the dead.

  Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God;
   ruthless people are trying to kill me—
   they have no regard for you.
 But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
   slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
 Turn to me and have mercy on me;
   show your strength in behalf of your servant;
save me, because I serve you
   just as my mother did.
 Give me a sign of your goodness,
   that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
   for you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me.