Monday, February 15, 2010

I'm Done, But Thank You

This is copied and pasted straight from a post from a message board I belong to, but the end thank you applies here too (so if some of the abbreviations don't make sense that is why. Feel free to ask though):

At this point it is kind of bitter sweet. I am still pumping after being sick and while I know things could still get better from here they probably won't get much (because of the production issues I was having anyway) It takes me 4-5 times pumping to get a 4oz bottle. When, for me, it should only be like twice. DH ended up taking all of last week off because of DD being sick, then him, then me so pumping was easier than it will be. He goes back to work tonight and tomorrow I am on my own and I can't feed and pump. I did it with DD and DH and my mom told me they wouldn't let me do it again. And I don't mind because I think it contributed to my PPD after having her. (I have depression, its winter here and I also suffer from seasonal depression.) I can already see signs of it coming out and I see a lot of it relating to BFing and letting people down, including myself. I always wanted to be one of those happy BFing mommies, but I just can't do it. In fact I am starting to get angry, at myself, at dumb BFing people, and just people who BF in general. And I am sorry, but I would rather be happy and there for my children than attached to a baby all day to keep him from screaming, and causing my DD to be jealous and dislike me because I can't play with her. I do feel like I have failed, like I haven't tired hard enough, but I have. If you can do it, good for you. But I need to know where my limitations are, and I am pretty sure I have reached them.

I'm still not okay with this. I really did want to BF, that is why I cry. Part of me is just doing it to appease the masses, and so the part of me that wants to keep me healthy says that just for that reason I need to quit. I shouldn't do anything just to keep others happy. But know that if you (being a relative term to anyone I ever meet) say ANYTHING I will defend my right to be happy and healthy and to enjoy my children.

I do want to thank all of you who supported and gave me advice. It really means a lot to have people who are just willing to help out and not attack me. But I need to do what is best for my children (both of them) and for me, and BFing isn't it.

GB ~The Woodwards


Michelle said...

So.. I look at my husband and he was FF and I think he is pretty darn near perfect! Ha, ha. I really do not think it will make a big difference in your boy's life in the end. I know it is hard but I think you are making a wise choice. Your kiddos will know they are loved and cherished and that is really all that matters in the end. And your sanity is pretty important! You should keep it!

MeWoodward said...

lol :) Yeah, I suppose I'll keep my sanity. Thank you so much for your kind words.

Julia said...

I hate everything about BFing and I only pump... It sucks but I am fighting an inner battle also. I really want to quite, but I feel pressure "from the masses" on how good it is for her, and pressure from my SO about the cost of formula so I keep pumping. And yes I hate it so bad that is causes a bit of depression in me as well.

So dont feel bad you need to keep yourself happy and healthy to keep those LO's happy and healthy

MeWoodward said...

I think the thing I hate about it the most is that it causes this inner battle and depression. Its terrible. I want to create a group (for lack of a better word) that supports the best and WORST of BFing and helps women deal with the inner battle, without making them feel attacked. I think some would be able to do it longer if they had support instead of attacks.

I did the just pump thing with DD; I lasted about 2 months. Have you looked into WIC? They can get you food for you right now (like milk, cheese, bread, cereal, juice) and then when you stop BFing they can get you formula. I know we have talked about formula in the past, try good start. Its the cheapest, and it really is good. DD couldn't tolerate most and ended up on some really expensive stuff. but when we switched to GS she did fine on it as well. Which was good.

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LivingByDailyGrace said...

I just found this post through another blog. I have been married for almost 14 years and I have almost 7 children (still waiting for #7 to decide to grace us with her presence.) I wanted to offer you some encouragement. I could have written you post after my 2nd was born. I wanted nurse both of them and it just never seemed to work out. I pumped for 6 weeks with my oldest and tearfully gave up. I pumped for 2 weeks with my 2nd and tearfully gave up. Then I feel in to a deep depression. I think you are right that they are often related. My two oldest children are the healthiest children I have of all of them. The rest are breastfed and ALL of them have allergies or just simply aren't as healthy. Over the years, I have come to know the grace of God in this area. There is no condemnation for not breastfeeding. Sure, there may be some that say nasty things. That is when it's time to allow their comments to roll off our shoulders. In the long room, I am not sure all those studies over formula vs. breastmilk make a difference. Neither one of my kids is obese. In fact, they are no where near it. Both fall into the lower 5% of height and weight. My oldest dd has begun to "develop" on a normal schedule, in fact behind most of the other girls her age.

Never feel guilty for doing what YOU believe is best for your children. They belong to YOU and if you can't give them all of you trying to make it work, then it is time to move on.

I know that I don't know you. I guess I just wanted to encourage you. I like the idea of a place for moms who struggle with breastfeeding. A place where they can find encouragement as well as find no condemnation if they decide to do what you did. I would join it just to be a more experienced voice in the crowd.

Enjoy those little ones. They grow so fast. My oldest turns 11 in a few weeks. She's growing up and moving closer and closer to being a teen. I am looking forward to it to be honest. We've had so many ups and downs as I was learning to parent on her. But our relationship has survived and thrived. She's growing into such a great young lady.

God bless you and your family.

MeWoodward said...

Thank you so much, your words are very encouraging. It has been two months and I am still feeling guilty, but I am working past it. Part of it is really hard looking at my friends around me who have little ones who are going on a year and they are having no problems. I think part of me is kinda jealous sometimes. I really should look into how I can set up a forum for BFing like what I needed and I will definitely let you know when I do.